The A word

Anxiety.  I struggle with it.  A lot.  I can feel it crushing my chest, I can feel the paranoia invading my mind, the irrational thoughts that prevail.

I was having a talk with the recovering pastor this morning before he left for work.  He said these words:  Alyson, you have said that this past year has been freeing, but you aren't acting like it.   If you are free, you are free.

This coupled with Sundays message, which centered on Colossians 1:13-14:  God rescued us from dead end alleys and dark dungeons.  He has set us up in the kingdom of the Son he loves so much, the Son who got us out of the pit we were in, got rid of the sins we were doomed to keep repeating. (MSG)

Then I read Isaiah 46:9-11:  Think about this.  Wrap your minds around it.  This is serious buiness rebels, take it to heart.  Remember your history, you long and rich history.  I am God, the only God you've ever had or ever will have---incomparable, irreplaceable--From the very beginning telling you what the ending will be, All along letting you in on what is going to happen, Assuring you that I'm in this for the long haul and I will do exactly what I set out to do." (MSG)

Then I hear the word of this song coming out of my daughters room:  I am redeemed, You set me free, so I'll take off these heavy chains, throw away everything, I'm not who I used to be, I am redeemed.

I walked back from my daughters school today in tears.  Overwhelmed at the love the Lord was showing me this morning.  Ashamed at the doubt I showed in Him when I allow these issues to seep into my daily life.  Desperate to get home to dive into the Word, to tell Him all about it, to give it over to Him.  I don't know how I will conquer this.  Maybe it's not mine to conquer.  I know that today I will choose to immediately stop what I am doing when I feel the dreaded worry, and let the Lord handle it.  And I know that tomorrow I will do the same.  Because this is not how He wants me to live.

Isaiah 46:13 - Now listen to me, You're a hard-headed bunch and hard to help.  I am ready to help you right now.  Deliverance is not a long-range plan.  Salvation isn't on hold.

Things I know 365 days later

1.  I know that I love the Lord despite how people behave towards me.

2.  I know that my kids got their dad back almost immediately.  Worth. It. All.

3.  I know that the job my husband has now is nothing short of the mighty power of God restoring him.

4.  I know while the grief may never leave, it gets easier.  Little by little the bitterness is receding, I don't wake up feeling wronged, or wondering what is being said or what someone thinks.

5.  I know that the Lord is faithful.  Never once did He let us feel lost or out of His grasp.  Never.

6.  I know that I have never felt such complete peace in an instant as we did on that day 365 days ago (well, on August 28th.  It's taken me a while to compose this post).

7.  I know that when you let the Lord fight your battles, it may not turn out the way you want or anticipate, but it will turn out the way that is best.

8.  I know that there are some friends that are there regardless.  Through thick and thin.  They don't ask questions, they don't judge.  They are priceless.

9.  I know that nothing is a surprise to God.  He knows what is coming, and He knows how to handle it.  He does not need our help or guidance.

10.  I know that I am jaded on the church.  I don't care about programs or committees or growth principles.  I care about Jesus and knowing Him more.  The rest...eh.

11.  I know that I am thankful for our new church family and the leadership.  I am thankful for the place to heal, be loved and worship...with no pressure.

12.  I know that our family is resilient.  I know that we love each other, serve each other and are for each other.

13.  I know that the delete button and unfriend button can be quite therapeutic.

14.  I know that what we experienced is not the church that Jesus died for.

15.  I know that I can't wait to see the Lord has for the upcoming years.  He is everything to me.