OK, a while ago I was perusing Netflix wanting something to watch. Because clearly there is nothing else to do around my house. And clearly I needed something else to occupy my time. But I digress. Back to Netflix. Cruising through, and I come upon Felicity. Surely ya'll remember that show. 1990's, girl goes to NYU to chase after a boy who doesn't even know her. Falls in love with R.A., falls out of love with R.A., falls in love with boys she chased after, breaks up, gets back together, breaks up, gets back together, all the while still really in love with the R.A. from freshman year, but refuses to acknowledge it. You get the picture. All of this spans the 4 years of college. Currently I am at the end of season 3, which is obviously the end of her junior year. Basically this is a fluff show. There is no real substance, although they do try their best to write episodes about relevant current events, which all turn out for the best. Just like in real life. :) Hmmm, still digressing. Back to the end of junior year. The R.A. is about to move to Seattle, and Felicity and the boy she chased after are going to spend the summer together. Felicity is having trouble with the fact that the R.A. is moving away, and is trying to distance himself from her. So Felicity goes to see her school counselor. Because in a student population the size of NYU, appointments with school officials are abundant. So Felicity is talking through her relationship with the R.A., and this argument she had with said R.A., and how she was appalled that the R.A. told her she was being selfish by wanting to stay in his life while dating the boy. The counselor simply says, OK. Which leads Felicity to ask why. (I promise, I am getting to my point) (Wait for it, wait for it...) So the counselor talks her through the stages of grief, and how each situation she is talking about is a stage.
So immediately I start thinking about a decision I am having trouble making. To most it would not be a huge decision, but for some reason, I cannot decide, or put my finger on why. Until Felicity today. It's the stages of grief in leaving the church. Even though it was our decision. Grief. First is shock and denial. Check. Got that covered, knew it when I went through it. Felicity can't believe that her friendship with R.A. is over. Second is pain and guilt. Check. This one passed quickly, there wasn't much, as we had prayed and sought the Lord. We knew we were released. Felicity feels like she betrayed R.A. for boy. Third is anger and bargaining. This I think will continue on. I can't imagine that there is a definite ending to this. Felicity gave R.A. a long sought after book he had been wanting, as a plea to stay in his life, so when he moved, she would still be in his mind when he looked at the book. For me, I am involved in a situation that keeps me wavering between 2 worlds. There is some pain involved, it brings dissatisfaction, a longing for what was, but never really was. (Why is it when we look back at situations, things are always better in our minds than they ever really were?) Anyway, I think I am having difficulty making that decision because I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want to not be the lives of the ones involved.
But would I be better off if I wasn't in the situation? Would I be better able to heal if there were some definite boundaries, space? Am I bargaining, begging if you will, for just a little satisfaction in a situation where I know there will be none? Somehow I want to still have a presence in a world that is not mine. I need to be able to move on, to do it on my terms, for the benefit of my family. A clean break. So I know the decision that needs to be made. I don't really want to make it, and I wish it could be different, but in order to move on to the better side of grieving, I am going to have to.
But first, maybe I'll watch the beginning of the next season of Felicity, her senior year. Perhaps there is some wisdom she gets over the summer. And because you just can't not watch a show where one of the lines is "Do you think we are living in the dark ages? Like the 80's?"